The parade...

This morning I woke up deeply depressed. I no longer have a relationship, a best friend, nor a job. I'm already in debt and I'm about to go deeper into debt to try and pay for school.

Lately, I keep having a recurring dream where I wake up and a small dwarf is sitting on my chest. His weight is not impossible to bear, just a constant pressure. We talk of what it is like to suffer from debilitating smallness and Billy Barty. When I wake, the dwarf is gone, but the pressure remains.

This morning I had to choose between staying in bed depressed, or getting up and facing the day. The first always seems easier, but the latter is what I have to do.

I walked to Harvard Square.

It's Memorial Day and a parade was passing. Going right up the middle of JFK Street. Boys in ill-fitting suits playing the oomp-pa-pa of the tuba and girls with acne playing the clarinet. It reminded me of my childhood, driving to parades all over Utah Valley to watch my brother Dan play the trombone in our high school's marching band. Even now the sound of a parade and the band sort of excites me, the hopes of standing on the curb and having candy thrown to me, or having the boy on the scooter wink at me. This morning was no different.

And now I am trying to remember what it is to be happy.

Irritating email and reasons why school is good...

Today I got my first piece of "gee you're stupid" email. It went something like this:

"you don't need to go to school to be a documentary film maker.
seems to me like a big waste of 57K."

Having just finished a 9 minute, grant funded film (printed in 35mm mind you) I am very aware that I do not need to go to school to be a film maker. But additional education does afford me the following:

1. Time to focus all of my energy on making a feature. Right now my job takes up most of my time. And I need a job to pay the rent. And making films this way ends up taking years. And I'm 31 and want to start focusing on making films now.

2. Columbia has enormous amounts of connections. I will have the opportunity to work all over the world with people I deeply respect, just because I've been accepted to this program. And my films are more likely to be picked up at festivals because of these connections.

3. An MFA. What the above person fails to realize is that I have been teaching college courses in Boston. I really enjoy teaching and I could be working full time as a professor right now if I had a master's degree. So, getting an MFA will really help my opportunities for teaching.

I am not asking anyone to donate $57,000. I am merely asking 40,000 people to donate a dollar. If you don't want to donate because you're cheap or morally opposed to the idea, that's fine. But I am trying to find a way that I can actually pay for grad school and this is my idea. And it's hard. It's hard to ask people for money. It's embarrassing to send out emails and make phone calls. But I want to go to school, and hopefully this plot will raise just enough to cover tuition money.

Parties, dragqueens and buying more art!

My friend Kris, who makes lovely, lovely art, is having an art sale and is donating part of the proceeds to my grad school education quest! Go to www.kbluem.com and buy her art! Really! It's fabulous!

Friday night I had a party. It was not just your average party, but a party that was the culmination of living in one place for nine years. My very best friend (and her husband and her baby) are moving home to Israel this week, and this was a send-off party. Somehow they've managed to acquire over 100 friends and acquaintances, 60 of whom showed up at my little apartment. Everyone arrived early and stayed late and many interesting conversations were had. And now I am in mourning for the loss of my best friend, for the end of my life in Boston and for so many other little things.

My friend Clayton was worried that I was too moody, so he took me out to a drag club. It was lip sync drag night, but the best performance of all was a live song done by four very large women in scanty underwear. They sang the song (in tune and in harmony), "Big Spender" from the musical Sweet Charity, with choreographed dance moves. The final door prize was given to whoever could guess their cumulative weight. Someone called out, "710 pounds?" to which one of the ladies called back, "C'mon people! We're REALLY fat!" Final answer? 870 pounds.

I have good friends.

Buy My Art

Falling out of love is painful. Particularly when you're still in love and your former partner is not. I think the only thing good about the end of a relationship (speaking from personal experience) is making art. Yes, when I am suffering from a broken heart, I find myself not sleeping and filling the endless hours making collages and taking photographs. Which may be why the majority of my collages were all made in late 2002 and my Self-Centered series in 1999. Now everything in my life is in flux and I find myself feeling sad and nostalgic...and on an art bender. I'm in love with Boston and I am leaving her.

Lately, a number of people have asked me about buying my art. If you haven't seen my art, check out my portfolio here. I generally sell my large format collages (32" by 36") for $1000, my smaller format collages (20" by 15") for $250, and my prints (both Girls on Film and Self-Centered) for $100 a print.

As my sister Suzanne says, "It's a bargain at twice the price!"

So, if you really want to support me, buy my art, dammit!

My first love letter!

Today I opened up my mailbox and what did I find? A love letter! Fernando wants me to make documentaries about Barcelona nightlife and caress his photo (which he included) with love and longing...

Hmmm...this seems sort of suspicious. In fact, Fernando's handwriting looks a lot like my sister Suzanne's. And when I type the phrase Latin lover into google images, the SAME photo included in my letter appears! This must mean one of two things. Either Suzanne has sent me a fake love letter, or worse, Fernando is making the moves on every girl on the internet!

Why I love my family...

I am one of six kids. The fourth of six kids to be exact.

When my mother was a teenager, her parents told her she could go to college, but she was only allowed to graduate in nursing or teaching. So, she became a teacher. My mother slightly resented that her parents chose the direction her life would take and actively encouraged us to go to school for whatever we felt like.

All of us chose the arts.

Now, graduating in pottery or film or music is rarely going to make you loads of cash. In fact, I remember wearing my cap and gown in the back row of the auditorium where the film majors were required to sit at graduation and making fun of the Broadcast Journalism majors with their perfectly coiffed helmet hair. As the ten of us giggled, one of the coiffed heads turned around and sneered, "I already have a job reporting for KSL (the local news station), while you film losers are probably flipping burgers."

I hated her. Mostly because she was nearly right. I was waiting tables.

******

When I told my family about the givebuckabuck idea they jumped on the bandwagon. Tim and Curtis put it on their websites. Michele offered people her prints if they'd donate. Sooz helped me put together this entire idea and anything that is remotely interesting about this blog. Jennifer sent it to all her peeps on myspace and she even sent me her life savings...a whole dollar!

I love my family because they are funny, smart, creative people that I would want for friends, even if they weren't related to me.

I love letters SO much!

Today I looked in my box and found these two letters! I think it's surprising that no one stole the Snowden dollar signs envelope. Nothing like advertising what's on the inside!

And people often ignore the back of their letters, but not my sister Jennifer. No, she likes to quote lyrics by Smashmouth on the back!

Send me envelopes that look like this!

Hooray, I've reached 2% of my goal! This is all thanks to my friend Kris Merola who donated $21 so I'd hit $800 exactly. She makes art I want to hang on my walls and publishes beautiful books. Check out preachersbiscuitbooks.com.

Now I just have $39,200 left to go!

On Friday I went to the mail box to see if, perhaps, someone had finally sent me that long awaited love letter! Alas, the answer was no. However, I did find something almost as good. An envelope that looked like this:



Thank you, M. Klein, for sending such a great envelope! The next day, someone sent me a dollar in Hello Kitty stationery. Hello Kitty is now stuck with a magnet to my refrigerator.

See how easy it is to make me happy?

Quizas (Perhaps) and School costs...

See? Why does graduate school have to be so expensive? Soon I am going to add a bar that states how close I am to reaching the $40,000 mark. $40,000 is merely the amount of tuition. I am dealing with the rest on my own...

At the moment I'm listening to Nat "King" Cole's version of "Quizas, Quizas, Quizas." I first heard this version when I saw the film In the Mood for Love by Wong Kar-wai, a film I find utterly romantic and intoxicating. I originally saw the film in a theatre in Harvard Square with a dear friend who, at the time, was suffering from a broken heart and the song (and film) utterly summed up her heartache, her sense of loss and the uncertainty of all relationships.

Now I find I am listening to the song because I'm making a friend a collection of Quizas (Perhaps) Songs.

Mix tapes are so satisfying.

Photocopying my head for posterity...

Nice folks from around the globe keep either:

A) sending me a couple bucks (no pun intended--and many thanks to everyone thus far)

B) buying my artwork (bless all of you)

or,

C) tell me I'm an enormous idiot and then ask for proof that I'm really going to grad school and proof that I really am not eligible for loans, even though they have no intention of ever sending me a dollar.

So, to all of you C) folks, please check back tonight when I post my official financial aid (or lack of it) package from Columbia.

Also, I keep going to my P.O. Box, hoping that some nice little letter has wended its way to me, but alas, no such luck! I mean, folks, it's just a dollar! And my P.O. Box is so lonely! Plus, even if you don't want to send me money, you can just send me a love letter. I LOVE love letters. In fact, I recently bought a collection of love letters from an estate sale for $5. It was the best $5 I've ever spent. Why? Well, quotes like this really:

"Babe, I love you so much. I want to hold you close to me through the night. Going to AA is so hard without you. I miss you Babe. Yours always, L."

The letters were addressed to someone in the Monroe County Jail in Rochester, NY. So, it seemed "Babe" was in jail. I assumed L. was Babe's pathetic, alcoholic girlfriend with girly handwriting. But then I got to this letter:

"Babe, I want to make love to you all night. In therapy, Dr. Johnson says that sex replaces addiction and he worries that I'm addicted to you. But I'm a man in love Babe. I need you! Well, I'm closing now. Your letter on Friday made me really happy. Love you Babe. Love always, Lance"

Hmmm....it seems Lance and Babe were gay lovers. But it didn't end there. No, a few more letters in there were letters from Babe's wife worried about what to tell their son, who didn't know where his father had gone. And then there were letters from the son about being diagnosed with ADD. And finally, there were letters from Babe's mother, demanding him to repent before the Lord or face eternal damnation.

Now why can't I get letters like that in my P.O. Box?

Read This First

My name is Julie Buck. My hair is brown, but sometimes blonde and usually a bit curly. As my friend Emily used to say, "Your hair is delightfully disheveled." I fancy myself an artist and make experimental film and large-format realistic collages, and sometimes even exhibit my art. I live in a fifth floor walk-up in Cambridge, Massachusetts. My favorite color has been blue since 2nd grade, when I had to change from my original favorite color--brown--because my cousin Steven told me that people who like brown smell like poo. I am a Sagittarius, although I'm not really sure what that means. My sister Michele says it means I must be hot, which must be true, because Michele is hot and she's a Sagittarius too. I like Andy Warhol. And I actually like ramen, which is a good thing, because I'll probably be eating a lot of it in the next three years.

That's because I recently decided to give up my day job and apply for graduate school. The thought of going back to school at age 31, after nine years away, is a little scary--but the super thrilling part was getting accepted to the graduate program for film at Columbia University in New York City! The not-so-thrilling part? Figuring out how to raise the necessary $57,000 for tuition and living expenses.

I started to ask around for money. I asked my mom, and my siblings, and my cousins, and my friends, and the neighbors, and the neighbor's monkey for cash, checks, even small pieces of jewelry I could pawn. I even started saving myself! I've been standing around in Harvard Square with a plastic cup and a sign which reads, "Please, help send Julie to grad school." So far, these activities have yielded about $10,000, which is a lot, but unfortunately, not nearly enough. (I knew I should've gotten an accordion and stolen my neighbor's monkey.)

So then I called my sister Suzanne. "Sooz, what is to become of me?" I cried. "Should I sell one of my kidneys on the black market? Should I harvest my eggs and sell them to a fertility clinic?"

"No, no, no, silly," she said, "just reach out to your friends on the Internet. If people know you're a nice girl--well, a mostly nice girl--who wants to go to school, they're bound to help out!"

So that is how we came up with the idea of the Give Buck a Buck website.

The way I see it, if I can get 40,000 people to donate a mere dollar each (or 4,000 people to donate $10 each), no one's wallet will suffer--and I will finally be able to get the complete education I've been longing for since I graduated from college nine years ago. Even if it means I'm stuck eating nothing but ramen for three years.

Think about it. If you could make a positive difference in one person's life by donating a dollar, would you do it? Well, wouldn't you?

Click here to see the ways you can donate.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Is this for real?
A: Yes. This is my last-ditch attempt to get enough money together to afford graduate school, which has been my dream for years.

Q: You sure this isn't some kind of joke?
A: No, this is not a joke. If it were, it would be much funnier.

Q: Are you really going to attend Columbia University?
A: Yes, I've been admitted for Fall 2006. If you need proof, I can send you a copy of my official acceptance letter.

Q: What initially inspired you to do this?
A: Well, I'm carrying a large amount of debt and had some minor financial setbacks, with the result that I've saved very little to attend grad school. No one person I know has $40,000 to give me, but I thought if I could harness the power of the Internet to get 40,000 people to donate a dollar to my cause, I'd be set!

Q: Why are you asking other people for money? Aren't there other ways to make or get money?
A: Good question. There are other ways, and I've been exploring as many of those other ways as I can. I've applied for grants, loans, scholarships and other funds. I come from a single-parent family, and although they can provide love and moral support, my mom and siblings can't afford to lend me much money. I have held a job ever since I was 16 years old, and I will continue to work and support myself when I move to New York. None of these options will even begin to cover the total amount I will need.

Q: Don't you have a job or something?
A: Why yes, I do. Until the end of June 2006, I will continue to work at the Harvard Film Archive at Harvard University. It's an AWESOME job where I get to watch movies every day. But after six years of work here, I've realized that I need to get a master's degree. (I've also realized that living in Cambridge is expensive.)

Q: What about getting a loan?
A: I have applied for loans, but I can only qualify for up to $18,000, which is a far cry from the $57,000 I need for a year at Columbia.

Q: How will you use the money? What are your plans after you graduate?
A: I will use the money to cover the costs of a year's tuition at Columbia. I'll take care of other things like rent, textbooks, health insurance, transportation, and ramen (aka Purina Student Chow) myself. I am applying for an MFA in film production, and I plan to make documentary films after I graduate.

Q: How do I know you won't just drop out of school?
A: Well, I have a pretty impressive track record of finishing what I start. I'm also highly motivated and driven to succeed. Frankly, I'm more likely to drop dead than drop out.

Q: Do you have a deadline?
A: Yes. I hope to have reached my goal of $40,000 by August 2006. That's not much time...

Q: Can I keep track of what you're doing?
A: Yes. I will be posting frequent updates here, so check back often.

Q: Is my gift tax-deductible?
A: Sadly, no. I am a private individual, not a non-profit organization. But I'm not asking for sizable donations, just a dollar or two. Or you could support me in other ways (see below).

Q: I'm not really comfortable with making a donation. Can I buy your art to support you instead?
A: I thought you'd never ask! Of course you can! Take a look at my portfolio. Karin and I are selling all our Girls on Film artist proofs for $100 per image. My Black Haired Girl collages sell for $1000 per original collage. My Self Centered images are $100 each.

Q: Where do you live?
A: Currently I live in Cambridge, Massachusetts, but I'll be moving to New York City in August 2006.

Q: Could you tell me more about yourself?
A: Sure. Please see my bio page.

Q: I am a journalist and I'd like to ask you a few questions. How can I contact you?
A: Please see my contact page.

Q: This is the coolest idea ever! How can I spread the word?
A: Tell your friends, please! You can also link to my site.

Q: Did you write that Wikipedia entry?
A: No! Geez. My sister wrote it. I tried to delete it, but Wikipedia thinks I'm a legitimate artist. Shows what they know.

Contact Me

There are several different ways to get hold of me.

First, if you just want to make a quick comment, you can use the comment form at the bottom of each entry.

If you want to send a private message and time is of the essence, you can e-mail me at julie@juliebuck.com.

If you prefer to send paper letters, you can send them to new address in New York:

Julie Buck
3505 Broadway #56
New York, NY 10031

Donate!

So you want to donate some money to help me pay for school? Fantastic! At present there are three ways to do it:

1) First, if you have a PayPal account, you can transfer money to me through PayPal. You can also use your credit card, but please be aware that PayPal takes 3% plus 30 cents for each transaction (so, if you give me $1.00 via PayPal, I only get 66 cents).

2) If, like my sister, you prefer not to use PayPal, you can use my snail mail address. Email me and I'll be happy to provide you my real person address.

3) You can buy my artwork. My friend Karin and I are selling artists' proofs from our show, Girls on Film, at $100 per image. I am also selling photographs from my Self Centered series for $100 per image. My original large-format collages sell for $1000 per collage. Take a look at my portfolio or e-mail me at julie@juliebuck.com for more information.

Also...

DON'T MISS YOUR CHANCE AT FAME!

If you donate (or purchase) more than $10, I will give you a credit in my final student thesis film. Yes, it's a chance to have your name up in lights, so don't let it pass you by!